It’s Academy Award season again and you know what that means. No, we’re not talking about your dumb Oscar party, Louise. GOD. Yes, that’s right, it’s time for The Dragnut Times’ annual1 reviews of the films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar and our pick for Best Picture of the Year!
If you haven’t yet seen all the nominated films, don’t worry, we won’t include any spoilers that we haven’t clearly marked [SPOILER – STOP READING NOW – CLOSE YOUR BROWSER AND GO DO SOMETHING ELSE WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR LIFE].
1We’ve never actually done this before and, if this doesn’t get enough page views, we may never do it again. But play along, okay?
American Sniper – R – 2014 – Action/Drama – 134 minutes
The handsome guy from The Hangover—no, the other one—plays a handsome army guy who shoots people over in Iraq or Afghanistan or somewhere and it really fucks with his head. Pretty sad story actually. So much for a fun, cinematic escape from reality right? Jesus.
Birdman – R – 2014 – Comedy/Drama – 119 minutes
Batman—the first one from the movie with Jack Nicholson not the psychotic, British one from the movie with Heath Ledger—is now an old, washed up actor playing an old, washed up actor in a movie about an old, washed up actor. Wow, hold on, my nose is bleeding after reading that back to myself. Anyway, it’s supposed to be funny. We wouldn’t know, didn’t actually see it.
Boyhood – R – 2014 – Drama – 166 minutes
This movie took twelve years to make and at nearly three hours long it’ll feel like it took you twelve years to watch. Would not recommend.
The Grand Budapest Hotel – R – 2014 – Adventure/Comedy/Drama – 100 minutes
Ralph Fiennes (pronounced rayfff fayenzzz (we think) for some damn reason or another) plays Gustave H, the concierge at a famous hotel in some country in Europe that turns Nazi and then later Communist and this movie is so goshdarn adorable that my heart nearly burst out of my chest as I watched it so now I’m suing director Wes Anderson and my lawyer thinks I’ve got a pretty good case. See you in court, Wes, you frickin’ wackadoo.
The Imitation Game – PG-13 – 2014 – Biography/Drama/Thriller – 114 minutes
How do you make a movie called The Imitation Game and not have one single, solitary guy who actually does imitations in it? No Frank Caliendo. No Kevin Pollak. Not even any of the one gazillion guys who do Christopher Walken. No, instead we get Sherlock Holmes trying to build a PC out of wood and wires and shit for an hour and 54 minutes. Fuck that, no stars.
Selma – PG-13 – 2014 – Biography/Drama/History – 128 minutes
Another misleading title. Where was Bart Simpson’s aunt in this movie? There’s not even any animation in it. It’s like they’re trying to get people to watch a movie about some really important stuff that happened in our nation’s history under false pretenses. Not even Ken Burns would pull some shit like that. Anyway, the movie was really good. Seriously. Go see it. Get up. Go. NOW.
The Theory of Everything – PG-13 – 2014 – Biography/Drama/Romance – 123 minutes
The story of an astro-nerd who gets a hot girlfriend in college—no fucking way, really? They made a movie based on The Big Bang Theory? Why? That show sucks! Anyway, the guy’s a genius, they fall in love, blah blah blah. They didn’t even bother to change the title that much. Should’ve called it The Big Bang Theory of Everything. Whatever.
Whiplash – R – 2014 – Drama/Music – 107 minutes
Didn’t see this one either, but the trailer gave us a hard-on like whoa. So yeah, we’re gonna go check this one out. Pronto.
Prediction: Neil Patrick Harris is going to do a song and dance number that will have your toes tapping and your fingers snapping. And either American Sniper or Boyhood will win even though Selma should. Hooray for Hollywood.