Do you like the game of football? Do you really? I don’t believe you. Liar.
I mean, I’m sure you think you like it because of all the noise and lights and running around and whatnot, but I don’t think you truly know or appreciate the majesty and wonder of the awesome spectacle that is FOOTBALL. Well, fear not, friend. I am here to tell you how you too, like me, can truly know and love the game in ten easy steps*.
* “If something you are trying to learn does not take at least ten steps that are also easy then that thing is bullshit and not worthy of your time and you should go learn another, better thing.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War
1. Watch the referee. He is the single most important person on the field. Why, you ask? Because he has a microphone and when he talks everybody listens. Same thing goes for the President of the United States when he’s on TV. Also, Bob Costas. Think about it.
2. Have the right snacks. Chips and store-brand, mild flavored salsa? Seriously? How about some grilled asparagus, drizzled with a balsamic reduction? At the very least, make some guacamole and do not be stingy with the lime juice or the tabasco or get the fuck out of here, amateur. And if there isn’t a pizza stone somewhere in your kitchen you should just go kill yourself right now.
3. The right drinking game is a BIG DEAL. You want to pick the right word for the announcers to say that makes everybody drink. It shouldn’t be anything that might qualify as an intelligent or thoughtful comment on the game or the players. Football clichés, like “lead,” “leader(s)” or “leadership,” are the best. Cliché. C-l-i-c-h-é. Look it up, for Christ’s sweet sake.
4. Two words: Mood. Music. Turn the sound off on the TV (but turn closed captioning on so you can still play your drinking game) and put on some Slayer. Trust me on this.
5. Wear your team’s officially licensed, authentic game jersey. And the officially licensed sideline cap. Feeling a little chilly? The officially licensed Nike Warp Performance Hoodie with your favorite team’s logo on it is just the ticket. Look, go get your credit card and log in to NFLShop.com and get what you need to dress the part. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. GOD.
6. And where is your cake in the shape of, and decorated to look like, a football? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT? Why am I even wasting my time trying to help you?
7. Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, I’ve got better things to do. Winter is coming and I need to put all of my summer clothes away and get my sweaters down from the attic. So shape up.
8. Sorry I lost my temper just then. I care too much sometimes. Anyway, something else you should do is have a football, an official one, leather and all that, to hold and, when necessary, to cradle and say your prayers or magic spells or whatever to during the game. And if your prayers or spells aren’t working, then you can chuck that fucker full speed through a window.
9. Tissues, tissues and more tissues. It’s important to have lots of tissues, the soft kind, with lotion in them because, after you’ve heaved that pigskin through the window or at your 60″ plasma flat screen, the tears will come. So many tears. Just let them out. Yesss, that’s right, just let the anguish wash out of you through your eyes.
10. Stay tuned after the game for the men in suits sitting behind the giant desk. They will tell you exactly how the game was won or lost. They will tell you how every game is won or lost. They know. They are the men in suits who are paid to watch football and talk about football and show you video highlights and tell you what you’re watching because your eyes might deceive you, you neophyte. You don’t know shit. They know everything. Listen to the men in suits.
Ok, now you are ready. Now you are fully intellectually, physically and emotionally prepared to get the maximum enjoyment from watching America’s Game. The game of football. Good luck and God bless.