Obituary: American Common Sense (b. July 4, 1776; d. August 26, 2014)

Common Sense, American

American Common Sense, 238, of The United States of America died August 26, 2014. Common Sense, daughter of American Individualism and American Ingenuity, passed away on August 26th at the Bullets and Burgers shooting range in Las Vegas, Nevada after a thirty year long battle with ignorance and stupidity. She was preceded in death by her husband, American Exceptionalism, who was killed at Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad, Iraq in 2003, and by her brother, American Kindness and Generosity, who was killed at a U.S. Customs Border Protection facility in Texas earlier this year. Over the course of the past two centuries, Common Sense was one of the driving forces behind America building a dynamic, modern economy and a prosperous and well-educated middle class. Her influence also fueled some of the world’s greatest advances in technology and science culminating in the release of the first iPhone in 2007. This was despite having become ill and begun her slow deterioration during the early 1980s. She will be greatly missed by humanity when, God willing, they eventually notice that she’s gone. Services will be held this Saturday at the Brockton Funeral Home at 6pm. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the United States Treasury in hopes that some of the money will be used to further space exploration, stem cell research or at least to repair a few bridges that really need it.